Author: Zoe

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A Spiritual Universe Ceremony with Pagan Undertones

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Nowadays couples have the freedom of being able to have a wedding ceremony that is not religious but allows them both to express or honor their faith in a way that makes them both comfortable.  More couples are opting for this choice which not only expresses, but also reflects the consideration and compromise they share in their relationship.  It is beautiful when two people can love each other completely and allow one another the space or freedom they need to practice their beliefs or in some cases non-belief, without causing the other to feel awkward or forced to believe as they do.  A couple can share the same values and yet have different paths of spirituality or religion, in the end love conquers all.  The only obstacles in love are the ones that we consciously or unconsciously create with rigidness instead of flexibility.

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Finding an officiant that can provide this type of wedding ceremony requires an ordained minister or wedding officiant who is non-denominational.  In other words one that is open to all paths and can honor and respect your beliefs.  In most cases a pastor, reverend or clergy-person of an established church or temple cannot provide you with an Inter-Faith wedding ceremony because they have taken an oath that commits them to their religion and they are not likely to break that oath.  So for example even if Father Brown has been a friend of the family for 20 years and you think ‘surely he can make some modifications for our wedding, I’ve known him my whole life’, well you better think again.  As much as he may want to I’m certain that he will not be willing to break his vows just so you can have a wedding ceremony that has non-religious undertones that make you or your fiancé comfortable.  If you don’t believe me ask.

So what exactly is an Inter-Faith Ceremony?  Let’s start with the common working parts of a ceremony first.

  1. Processional – Entrance of the Bride and Groom, Bride and Bride, Groom and Groom, and the wedding party
  2. Opening words or Welcome by officiant
  3. The giving in marriage (optional and not always needed)
  4. Opening prayer or reading or music or literature or poetry
  5. Wedding vows
  6. Second reading or music or literature or poetry
  7. Exchange of wedding rings and/or gifts
  8. A unity ceremony (optional)
  9. Closing words by officiant
  10. Pronouncement of marriage
  11. First kiss as a married couple
  12. Introduction as Mr. & Mrs. or Mr. & Mr. or Mrs. & Mrs.

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So taking a look at this list you can see that there is indeed room to work and come up with many creative solutions that will satisfy your needs in creating a ceremony that is right for you.

The variations and examples of couples are endless, it could be an Agnostic and an Atheist, a Buddhist and a Christian, a Spiritualist and a Catholic.  You get the idea right?  So quite naturally the possibilities for creating a ceremony that reflects both of your paths of faith (or lack thereof) make your ceremony unique.  For example the tone can be set by the language you prefer to use, such as using Universe in place of God.  The word Holy might feel stronger to a non-religious person than the word sacred does.  A prayer might feel better than a reading or a poem and vice versa.  Sometimes the couple wants to add a specific prayer or tradition because they want to honor the faith they were raised in and because it’s important for them to make their parents feel good about the ceremony.

Once you and your fiancé have talked about and agreed and maybe even compromised on some aspects of what you want and don’t want in your ceremony, then it’s time to find the officiant that can make that happen for you.  If it all possible meet them in person or at the very least have a video call consultation.  Most officiants give free consultations and will not hesitate to be frank about their level of comfort in doing a ceremony that is out of their ordinary scope of things.

So as you might guess I have many examples of couples that have asked me to perform an Inter-Faith ceremony. I’m going to use Matthew and Mariel’s wedding as an example.  This is a couple that made many compromises along the way and their wedding was truly a reflection of the two worlds that were being brought together in this marriage that day.  Mariel knew she wanted a Pagan Ceremony and Matthew was agreeable to that even though he does not label himself as part of any group that is religious or spiritual.  When asked about that he responds “I just believe!”

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When we met to put the ceremony together I came prepared with some choices for a pagan ceremony.  Mariel loved the idea of opening sacred space as part of the opening prayer.  They chose a beach ceremony and only family would attend the ceremony.  Everyone was asked to wear white and I was encouraged to wear pagan embellishments to my make up that day.

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When we were going over the working parts of the ceremony and they were choosing what words worked and whether or not they wanted a prayer or a reading instead, we came to the part of the ceremony where ‘sacred space would be opened’ there were aspects that made him uncomfortable.  Calling to East, West, South and North reminded him of Hollywood’s rendition of witches doing crafty things.  A few changes made to the words made him comfortable and still satisfied his soon to be wife’s desire to have ‘sacred space opened’ during the ceremony.

For some reason that particular moment stood out for me very much because for me what I saw was the spiritual principle of “compromise”.  Over and over as these two planned their special day some of the elements of the ceremony and the wedding reception changed.  The compromise was never one sided either.  It was talked about, each expressing their point of view and then they reached an agreement.  A perfect way to start a life together is to plan a wedding together and make decisions about all of it together using the three C’s of every long lasting relationship (Communication, Compromise and Consideration for one another).

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To end their ceremony it seemed appropriate to do a sand unity ceremony bringing them and their daughter Yazmin all together into this matrimony.  As they each poured the sand into their receptacles I thought of two completely different human beings coming together because of the respect each one has for the other’s beliefs and non-beliefs.  That respect and honor that they have for one another’s inner light and spirit is what makes an Inter-Faith ceremony one of the most fascinating and spiritually fulfilling ceremonies I can ever have the honor of participating in.

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Breaking the Glass – Judaic Tradition in an Inter-Faith Ceremony

 

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Grab a cup of coffee or tea, I did, because this tradition represents more than meets the eye.  I had never seen or heard of the “breaking of the glass” until Gabriela and Sasha consulted with me about including this in their ceremony.  Gabriela and Sasha knew that they wanted to include this tradition as a way for Gabriela to honor her parents.  Gabriela grew up in a home that practiced Judaic Traditions and she felt it was important to express that part of who she is in her wedding ceremony.  So when they asked if I knew of this tradition, I explained that I did not.  I enthusiastically asked, “What is it and how do we do it?”

They looked at each other and gave me that smile that says “well…” I knew after the fact that it was because it was a little difficult to explain.  Sasha mentioned that when they “googled” it, there were several explanations they found but it would probably be best if I looked it up myself to understand it better.  I agreed and told them not to worry that we would figure out how to include this in the ceremony.  Gabriela said that one thing she did know for sure about it, is that it should be done at the end of the ceremony and she wanted her father to participate by bringing up the glass when it was time.

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So when I “googled” this tradition, I understood why it was complicated for them to explain.  There is an abundance of websites that offer up explanations of this tradition, some more detailed than others.  A Jewish wedding ceremony has many symbolic traditions throughout the ceremony, the breaking of the glass takes place at the end of the ceremony just as Gabriela had explained to me.  And the traditional breaking of the glass actually has many explanations for the symbolism.  Ranging from symbolizing the destruction of the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, to the representation of human relationships being fragile, it is also a reminder that marriage changes the lives of individuals forever.  And yet another interpretation sees it as a symbol of breaking the lives they had before this day and starting a new one together in this marriage.  So needless to say it can mean many things.  I consulted with my couple and asked which symbolic aspect resonated with them and as we talked about this they chose yet another variation that I had found.  Since this was an Inter-Faith ceremony the following would be recited in order to offer up an explanation of what their guests were about to see.  For this romantic couple who also had written their own vows and included their own love story within those vows, here is what the breaking of the glass symbolized for these two lovebirds.

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“Before you were born, you and your soulmate were one, a single soul.

Then, as your time to enter this world approached, God shattered that single soul into two parts.  These two half-souls were then born into the world with a mission to try to find each other and reunite.

At the time, the split seemed tragic and incomprehensible. Why create fragmentation where there was once completion? Why break something just so it could be fixed? And if you were meant to be together, why didn’t God leave you together?

With marriage, two halves are re-uniting never to part again. Not only that, but you can look back at the painful experience of being separated and actually celebrate it. For now it is clear that the separation brought you closer than you would otherwise have been.

Ironically, it was only by being torn apart and living lives away from each other that were you able to develop as individuals, to mature and grow. Your coming together is something you had to achieve and choose, and therefore it is appreciated deeply. With the joyous reunion at this wedding, it becomes clear that your soul was split only in order to reunite and become one on a higher and deeper level.

And so you break a glass, normally this happens under the “chupah” then everyone immediately shouts the congratulatory wish of “Mazel Tov!” Because now, in retrospect, even the splitting of souls is reason to be joyous, for it gave your connection the possibility for real depth and meaning.”

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Either one, or the couple together can stomp the wineglass to crush it.  So in this ceremony, Gabriela’s father brought up the wineglass safely wrapped in linen, he exchanged some words of humor with Sasha and she proceeded to break the glass and we all shouted with great joy Mazel Tov!

This felt like the official “let’s get this party started” signal.  The energy and mood shot up a few notches when everyone shouted in unison, Gabriela and Sasha holding hands turned to face everyone and I introduced them as Mrs. and Mrs. Kochen for the first time and off we all went into the beautiful sunset on the other side of the courtyard there at Tivoli Too! in Laguna Beach where this beautiful wedding took place.

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Adding Your Love Story to Your Wedding Ceremony

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My wedding season in 2015 ended in the same way as it was opened, with an LGBT wedding.  Gabriela and Sasha came to me looking for an Inter-Faith ceremony that would express the true essence of their union.  Gabriela wanted to honor her parents and her Judaic upbringing by including the traditional Breaking of the Glass in their ceremony.  Their ceremony took place on October 3rd, 2015 at one of the most, if not the most beautiful wedding venue in Laguna Beach, Tivoli Too! The backdrop to the platform where the ceremony took place was magical, a cascading waterfall on stones amongst all the gorgeous greenery that not surprisingly set the tone for a serene peaceful feeling and the view the guests had was absolutely breathtaking as Gabriela and Sasha stood there facing one another.  Tivoli Too! has a European courtyard feeling that set the tone for this romantic couple’s wedding.  And so their Love Story Ceremony goes like this…

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When I met with Gabriela and Sasha they knew what they wanted their ceremony to be like.  So we discussed the Inter-Faith aspect of the ceremony they wanted and we also discussed the type of non-religious tone they wanted in their ceremony.  They had also decided that they would write their own vows and would keep them a secret from one another until the day of their wedding.  They even kept them a secret from me.  They explained that they would each hold on to their written vows and would pull them out of wherever they had them tucked away when the time came to read them to one another at the ceremony.

Their vows were written as a love story that included the first night they laid eyes on each other.  Gabriela’s version and then Sasha’s version, each of them describing in their own beautiful way what it was like to fall in love with the other and ending with the promises they were making to each other.

Although I knew this couple personally and had seen their relationship evolve I had never heard the story of how they came to be.  It was a beautiful touch to their ceremony and it was enjoyed by their friends and family in attendance. Everyone including myself chuckled when Gabriela said to Sasha “The first time I laid eyes on you, you were break dancing on the dance floor close to where I was dancing and you kicked me and I turned around and saw you and thought to myself wow, I need to meet her!”.  Their love story was filled with laughter and tears, the kind of tears you get when you identify with the emotions being conveyed in the story being told.

I saw, heard and felt the reactions of everyone in attendance when they heard the love story portion of their vows and it made me realize that this was a way to bring everyone there into an intimate space shared by these two beautiful women.  In that moment everyone was given an opportunity to see them as they are and how they came to be.  The Love Story Ceremony was conceived that day for me.

The love story does not have to be included as the vows, it can be a separate reading in the ceremony. I created the Love Story Questionnaire for the couples that choose the Love Story Ceremony.  The questionnaire helps me create your love story and the more you tell the better the love story (wink).  It’s a very personal touch to your ceremony and one that is remembered by your guests.  They get to walk away knowing a little more about how you met and the special quirks of your relationship.  It can be funny, romantic or a reflection of just who you are, as complex or as simple as that may be.  It is a gift that your guests walk away with knowing a little something about how your love story began.

The love story can be read by the couple, the officiant or whomever you choose.  Perhaps someone that is not part of the bridal party but you would like to have them included in your ceremony could be the designated person to read your love story.  It’s all up to you, after all this is your day and you can make it whatever and however you want it to be.

All I know is that there were chuckles and “aaaawwwws” in the audience as each of them spoke about their version of how they met and when they knew they had found their “one”.